Tattoo

This was the tattoo that I had done, just in memory of my brother. Although, he shall never be forgotten....

Rest In Peace Little Man, will always love you.... xxxxxxx

A Mild August/September

Part 8


Well this will be the final installment of this blog, which will give you in the insight of what actually caused me to break down, and inevitably down the slope to depression.

On my brother’s 5th anniversary I had a tattoo done, which has his name, and the relevant dates, in the meantime I shall provide a picture of the tattooist’s handy work.

It was not long after I had my tattoo done, had a week off of work I believe, then I was back at work one Saturday evening, don’t quote me on that! It was around August/September time.

In the evening I ended up working on my own, as the lad I was supposed to be working with pulled a sicky. Then all of a sudden from the that point onwards, I was a wreck, I couldn’t hold back the emotions at all, a few hours this went on for, it was just unbearable. I wasn't upset by the fact I was working my own, it was something, something else...

I phoned my area manager, and low and be-fucking-hold it went to voice-mail, I tried so hard, so damned hard to hold myself together. To describe the feeling is so heart wrenchingly hard. I suppose it’s like butterflies in your tummy all the time and increasing and increasing with anxiety and a willingness to cry. I was trying so hard to hold back the tears; I did well at that point, I’m very, very good at hiding emotions I might add.

I then messaged the other half of what was going on and she was there to console me, sending me funny pictures of Barbie and one of her cats, jokes, you name it, unfortunately neither had worked, I was still a mess. I managed to keep myself sane for the next few hours till she could come and get me all the way from London.
I’m not sure whether we went back to mine or not to pick up a few things but the next minute I was heading to London, my safe haven I suppose, where no one or nothing can hurt me otherwise, I was away from all the demise of the past and this was a “fresh start”.

My emotions were running rampant, affecting my social life, and my private life, I just couldn’t figure out the reason of trying to “get over it....” it was useless trying to help myself, this was going nowhere. I had been given a month off of work to sort my fucked up head out and charged straight in to it head on.
I just couldn’t help myself anymore, something needed to be done, and one the other halves’ friends recommended a place for counselling, which isn’t private nor NHS, but a charity. What had I to lose? Not a lot.

So we or more or less I had agreed to go for a consultation, I told her how I had been feeling, my emotions and all that jazz. We then decided that I was inevitably suffering from depression, I had to lay out my deepest darkest secrets all on the table, this was extremely difficult considering I keep such a tight lid on this sort of behaviour.

I reckon I only had about 3 or 4 weeks’ worth of counselling in the end, but afterwards, I felt great, well, it won’t bring him back but it’s a start.
I wasn’t gonna be letting anything get me down, no matter how trivial, this was my time, my time to build myself back to what I was before, a confident, chatty and outgoing person, this was the new me, this IS the new me.

Selection Of Music Vids

My brother listened to all sorts of rock music, of which I thought was particulary rubbish, but after he passed, I started listening to some of the music he did listen to. I didn't approve of them all but a lot of them got me back into some decent music instead of the trance/dance music I've invariably listened to. So I've decided to list some music videos that got me back into reality:

Billy Talent - Devil In A Midnight Mass



Rammstein - Sonne



Bullet For My Valentine - Tears Don't Fall



Avenged Sevenfold - Seize The Day



There ya go, just a few bands that inspired me and got me back into a differant genre of music. Enjoy :)

Part 7

January 2010 – Present

I have no idea of any events that happened in first 5/6 months of the new year, so I'm just going to leave it at that I suppose, but I was working for a bookies nothing major happened just flying as normal through life!!

Ahh May, well, what was to happen was very, very unexpected. To make it simple, this is how I ended up with mates all over (Hampshire/Berkshire/Surrey), I met one or two people through a 125cc motorcycle forum, T introduced me to M, and then got introduced to lots of new people of whom are good friends of mine. Anyhow, got a message through Facebook from someone who've I've probably only seen once or twice previous, never spoken to them, or interacted with them. Out of the blue they asked if I fancied going to the Ace Café that night, I thought why not, so exchanged phone numbers and dragged a mate along to with me.

Met her at the Ace Café, (of which I did find out she was single, now.) chatted for a bit with a few others, then everyone suggested that we go to the “race track” near Middlesex Hospital, which to be honest with you, the “race track” is just a series of roundabouts and sweeping bends!! Played about there on the motorbikes for a few or so hours then everyone was splitting up and heading home.

From that day forward, we were always texting each other non-stop, things appeared to give the impression that they were going well. A week or so later I got a call to ask if I fancied going to Virginia Water, (which is sixty or so miles from my house near Oxford) to do some Poi, I had no idea what this was, so I went anyway, just to see her again and see if anything untoward happened, it didn't.

Towards the end of the night, was after midnight for sure, she asked me if she wanted me to stay over hers that night, which conveyed to me to be a good idea, but she strictly implied nothing of that nature!! Just to stay over as I lived so far away, I agreed and said yeah if you don't mind, she did not.

We carried on texting each other all the time, she once told me that I was the one that wasn't leaving her alone, you were still replying to my texts!

That's just one part of 2010, they are going to be split so it isn't one long winded read.

"Factlets"

Before I move on to the next part, I'm gonna include just a few little facts about the incident etc, and links to the arsehole press.

What you read in the links is to be entirely taken with a pinch of salt.

• I was only 18 when my brother died
• He was 14 going on 15 in just a couple of days time
• 2 weeks grievence period from work
• I unassociated myself from everyone
• I never "sat at the bottom of a bottle" nor take any drugs, but I did contemplate suicide for about 20 seconds
• He was NOT taking part in "free running", he probably didn't even know what it was

Press Links:

The Mirror

BBC 1st

BBC Pt 2

And two other links that have blown the whole thing out of proportion:

Times

The Guardian (Near Bottom Of Page)

Happy Memory

This is one of the songs that my brother strived to learn to play, you would endlessy endure him practicing the solo. Over and over again, it would drive you mad!! I told him one time to just learn the whole song, but nope, he still practiced the solo.

Here is a video from youtube of the song: Avenged Sevenfold "Unholy Confessions"





Enjoy, I do whenver I hear it!

Part 6... Sept - Nov 2009

At some point round this time, can't get my dates right but a rough estimate, while working for this betting company they had sent a young woman to help in the shop. We both hit it off quite well and were talking all time from that point on. Texting a lot, chatting on Facebook etc. My drinking was getting bad when I was at home, I blame her to be fair. I became a regular at Tesco's pretty much every night buying a small bottle of vodka, if I was feeling adventurous a big bottle.

But yeah, it was getting terrible, something happened one night a few months on I think, and I just felt so low, worthless even. I told a couple of mates how I felt, and they helped in a way, as I'd actually told somebody. I kept saying to myself and them that I should go to the doctors and get it checked out. Weeks went past of which I never did go and see a doctor. I managed to sort myself to get out of the rut. How I did, I've no idea, I felt crap not long ago and now I'm feeling good. My mind does play strange mind games!!

Part 5... Gaps

Not really much went on from what I can remember, although, at RM, G.S (you know who you are!) was a brilliant help, was there when I needed help or if I just needed some time to myself at work. I didn't help matters by running off, sometimes things just got too much and had to escape. I would just put all my motorcycle gear on and get on the motorbike to get away. But for some reason G.S pulled a lot of strings to help me even though I wasn't helping myself, but eventually those strings gave way and snapped.

I worked at Waitrose afterwards for nearly a year, my line manager Julia helped me at one point when I was going through a rough patch. That was the first time anything got me so down that I cried like that, so I was told to have some time to reflect and get back to work. I jacked this job in because something was going on with the store manager and I just thought sod this, and upped and left. Not sure if I went back to RM when I left.... hmmmm....

Happy Memory

When me and my brother were little, we were taken out to a safari zoo in Germany (:D) of which we had the chance to get pictures taken with siberian tigers. They were awesome, as they were little cubs and they were sooooo cute!! Anyway, when having the picture done, me and him were holding them, and well, errr I kinda never held the cubs head, so in the picture we got, you can see the keepers hand just in the shot holding the head for me!! I was little though!!

Part 4... No Date

The Funeral

So the day of the clincher, how this day started I do not know, must of just gotten up early and dressed, smart. Well it was the first funeral I'd been to, but not whose I wanted to be at. We had majority of our family from up north come down, grandparents, uncles and aunts.

I dressed up in just a smart jacket, white shirt, thin black tie and I'm sure you can guess the rest. The hearse pulled up outside commandeered by 2 limos front and rear. It must have been an upsetting time seeing you're own brother's coffin outside, I believe 2 of the reefs said “Son” and “Brother” either side.

My mother was distraught, my dad was somewhat composed, me, well I was as cool as a cucumber. One thing that I've become good at since then is not showing my emotions, I can be a complete wreck inside but my appearance would be as calm as a light breeze. Anyhoo,one of the pallbearers walked lead in front of the hearse or the limo, only for a couple of miles, then it was of to Oxford Crem. I'd never known a journey to take so long, it didn't even feel real, but dreadfully it was.

The limos and hearse pulled up at the entrance, me and my parents got out, and couldn't believe that the amount of my brothers friends that turned up, excuse my language but there were shit loads and I mean shit loads. Everywhere the eye could see were just people, “he must have been popular then....”. We proceeded to walk into the crem, and the pallbearers were unloading the coffin, I'm pretty sure we were already inside when they brought it in or just lingering outside, one or t'other anyway. But by god, the music they had playing, he sure did have bad taste, “My Chemical Romance.... 'I'm not okay'”. Great I had to to listen to that while waiting for the hordes of people to arrive in the hall.

Songs were sung, not that I took part, speeches were read aloud, and the exit song was played which were “Avenged Sevenfold” something a bit more decent!! My brother had a black coffin, just because I suppose it suited his personality for heavy metal etc... Oh yeah, he had the A7X “deathbat” on his coffin if I remember rightly, thought it was quite cool. (my mum then had that tattoo done on the base of her months later!)

Yeah, she had the skull with bat's wing tattooed!

As I was walking out, people were gathered either side of the walkway, I was shaking their hands, keeping a brave face, got to the bottom and there were some flower reefs, one of which was made into a guitar and just general ones that you get. I didn't cry once at the funeral, my Auntie Lyn kept trying me, she held me tight and I just couldn't let go, try as she might, she failed.

We ended up having a buffet at our house, fair few people turned up, had beers and wine etc. on the go. Next minute me and my Uncle Paul decided to get more wine, so we jumped into his black Vauxhall Astra GTI to Sainsburys. Arrived there, few bottles of wine. Checkout, yes, obviously we came from a funeral and no one had gotten changed, I looked quite suave to be honest, So get to checkout, woman at till turns round and says, “you two been to a funeral then?”. Of all the things to say, my uncle said something but I just looked at him in bewilderment, grabbed our wine and went home.

When we got back, must of only been bout 10/20 minutes or so, pretty much everyone left except family. But by kitchen door, was a nice hole in the wall, me dad was nowhere to be seen, turns out he had bit too much to drink and emotions got the better of him. Me and the uncles and aunts ended up going to one of the local pubs to have a few drinks. Got me out of the house and in a different environment which was good to take my mind off the day. Although the tamazepam that was prescribed to my mother helped....

Part 3. No date

I hate not being able to remember much, is absolute agony, maybe its my brains way of just being in shock and only remembering the things it wants too. Work was bearable, as much can be, even though 2 weeks is certainly not enough time off!!

Me and my parents went to where the accident happened, was in between two tall buildings, one thing shocked me was the outline of a silhouette drawn in chalk on the adjacent wall. My parents assured me that that wasn't for him. While we were there, a couple of girls were laying some flowers, I just looked at them, gormless, expressionless, what was I to show? A smile? A tear? A little smirk? Nope nothing, I'd just done what I thought was right and kept a straight face.

A day or so later I think, the 3 of us went to the hospital, to the morgue to be more specific, to see my brother one last time. We were shown by a nurse, I don't think she was too bad looking if I remember rightly!! But anyway, we were taken to a small building, which was deceiving as it was quite large inside. I followed in from behind, I didn't know what to expect, but as we drew nearer, we could see him, his poor body laying there like a piece of meat. We said a few words, gave him a little squeeze, like you do to comfort someone. His body was ice cold to the touch, his body was blue, it was horrible. When we were about to leave, I squeezed his toes, they were stiff, we kinda joked as if I was going to tickle his feet!

We drove home and that's about all I can recollect from then.

Part 2...A mild summers afternoon

07/08/2005

I got up quite early, bemused, I was just like a zombie, had no thought processes going through my mind. It was his birthday today, he would have been 15. In a daze I took a stroll into the town centre to get him a birthday card, the card I chose had the picture of the grey scruffy bear, don't have a clue what they are called but it looked nice, not too flash and not too gay as he would of thought!!

Walking back from town I went a different route which took me past the school where it had happened, and was full of emotions. I looked towards the church, which was adjacent to the school, there was a wedding happening, a bloody wedding!  Not 2 days previous was a tragic accident. My whole body just tensed up as if I was about to punch someone. I carried on walking back home, still in a daze not taking much else in of my surroundings. Got home and showed my parents his card I got him and said it was a nice thought. I thought so too.

I don't remember much from here, work had given me just 2 weeks off work to cope with the grievance, I did go back to work but it was hardly the same.

Happy Memory

When me and my brother were younger living in Colchester, my mum thought it would be a good idea to have a picnic, just the two of us. She made the sandwiches, the flasks of juice, me and my brother were sat on a large beach towel on the front garden laughing and giggling away as brothers do. Scoffing our faces full of food! Bliss.

Part One... A Warm August Evening

How it all began

4/08/2005

Working late at my temporary job as a computer assembler for RM, a large company that provide PC's all over the UK for schools, but enough of them, this is about me!! But yes, I was on the late shift, starting at about 3pm and finishing near on 10pm. Was having a good day, chin wag, laughing and joking, you know the usual, not actually doing much work.

Coming up to the end of the evening wanting to get home after an arduous day. I did get a lift to work and back, as at this point I did not yet have any transport of my own. The agency I worked for would take £10 or so a week for transport to and from work. Jumped into the people carrier, chatting with others while we were dropped off one by one. I think I was the last person to be taken home. Van parked up, I hopped out, closed the door, said goodbye, and proceeded to walk.

One thing though that did catch my eye and most unusual, was that the curtains were not drawn and the lights were off, all of them. “That's strange” I thought. Put my key in the door, said hello, but the only thing to greet me was the excited cocker spaniel on the other side of the door, Jed (RIP little bugger!). I made myself at home, as you do, and raided the cupboards for junk food and various other condiments.

I had been at home for nearly an hour, so it was getting on for about 11.30pm. And hadn't heard anything from anyone else, not a text nor a phone call. I did stick a DVD on to watch with the dog. When the house phone rang, I wondered who on earth would be ringing at this time. Turns out it was my father, and what he said I did not expect in the slightest. He told me that my brother Alex had been in an accident, and had banged his head and was currently in hospital being treated by the doctors at John Radcliffe in Oxford. My dad told me not to worry, as they were sure he would be fine, I headed upstairs to go to bed as it was getting very late and I had a driving test at 11am.

What was to happen next was not what anyone expected, well to be honest it was just myself, and Jed of course. I awoke to the barking of the dog, at about 5am-ish, not sure but the time scales work out right, I stepped out of my room shouting at the dog to tell him to be quiet. Turns out he was making all that noise because the house phone was ringing. I ignored this as it was bloody early so I headed back to bed. What came next cannot be described. But I will try.

At about 5.30am the sound of the door being shut aroused me, I heard footsteps up the stairs, followed by my door being opened. It was my father. I moaned at my dad for waking me up and asked who the f**k was ringing at 5am!? After my rant, dad told me, “that was your mother ringing, she's been trying to get hold of you all morning.” My father turned round and told me that my brother was dying, at this moment I couldn't comprehend what was being said, I broke down into tears and was given a big hug, not that it would help but as a token gesture. I had completely broken down, this was the start at the end of my life, what was I to do now?

I struggled to get dressed, then shortly afterwards I headed into bathroom and just stared at the mirror. Just because of the state of mind, I didn't know what I was doing. So I took my L'oreal moisturiser and rubbed it onto my face. My dad and I walked to the car, how he could have driven in such a state from being told this news. After setting off, I don't think I said a word, I couldn't, my mind was stricken by this drama. I don't remember the journey too well but at one point I remember was I grabbed the steering wheel after we nearly ploughed into a ditch, I don't blame him for not being able to concentrate, but I did have a pop at him, think I turned round and said you'd get us both killed in a minute, not the best thing to have said.

We arrived at the hospital and my dad took lead towards the large ward where my mum was standing, and her huge hazel coloured eyes were filled with tears, I gave her the biggest hug I had ever given anybody and proceeded to cry. The nurses on the ward were just staring at us, surely they had better things to do like flush out bed pans!!

I gazed at my brother laying there connected to all sorts of machines, his poor body covered in bruises, just laying there helpless. He had a large bandage wrapped round his head, covering more of the injuries, but was laying with a quilt over him, with only his arms and head exposed. I can't remember if I said anything to him or held him, but I wish now I did in a way. Moments later my parents and I were taken to a small room where they asked us whether they'd like us to use him as an organ doner, at the time I couldn't really think at all but in my mind I was just like, “are you serious?? my brother is laying there dying and all you can think about is removing his organs?!”. My mother was quick and said not a chance, not at all.

Next thing I remember is being driven home, going straight upstairs and just sobbing till my hearts content. It must have been a good few hours, or even a day I came downstairs. I got a text from Wendy, one of the women that I worked with, turned round and told me that my brothers accident had just been on Fox FM, I threw my phone across the living room. I turned to my parents and the exact words were not something I normally said in front of my parents. “Alex's tragedy had been on that f**king Fox FM”. They were shocked as much as I was, it hadn't even been a day and it had been on local radio, wankers, absolute wankers.